Pain

This is my first journal entry. I have been really depressed lately so I guess this is as good of place as any to write down all these crazy thoughts that have been going through my head. I am usually on myspace off and on all day. I decided that I disapoint myself with it. I put so much effort into leaving friends comments and writing messages and I get on to find nothing. Then I get a message and it makes me feel so good. This seems to just be another one of the things that I am using to make myself feel better temporarily. So yesterday, I swore it off for the day. I did not log in at all. I then logged on today and there was the disappointment again. I am now making myself realize that I have been trying to find ways to make myself happy like friends, myspace, sex, affection, and love. I am now going to stop doing this. I am going to feel my pain and not turn to these things to try to fix it. I have been running from my pain for so many years. I have gone numb so I could not feel it. I have used these things to mask it and give me temporary happiness. Recently I made a decision that hurt me and woke me up to my pain. I now ache deep inside. It would be nice to go back to being numb or to keep seeking out things that temporarily make me feel good, but instead I have made the decision to feel this pain. To really really feel it. It hurts so bad, I don't know how long I can bear it. I will keep bearing it as long as I can and hopefully that is until it is healed. I don't know how to heal but if I don't turn to something that will cover it up, I know I will find the way to heal. I don't feel love right now. I only feel pain, emptiness, and loneliness. I hope that this will not last forever.